(Not Really a) Review: Films I Watch at Christmas

🎵It's the most wonderful time of the year...🎵 And I'm so busy with Christmas preparations that I haven't time to write a proper review. So instead I'm doing a short list: my five favourite films to watch at Christmas. (Note that I didn't say "Christmas films". They're so trite and repetitive nowadays that I hardly bother watching any films specifically called Christmas films.)

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) is at the top of almost everyone's list of favourite Christmas films. And with very good reason. Sure, it's unrealistic and often silly. But it's so cute and heartwarming that I love it anyway.

Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983) is a bit of an oddity. It's an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, obviously, with Uncle Scrooge as Ebeneezer Scrooge (what a surprise!) and other Disney characters as everyone else. By all logic I shouldn't like it at all. I've never been able to like A Christmas Carol. But it's entertaining, and surprisingly sad in parts. So I enjoy it much more than I'd expect.

Prancer (1989) is one of those films that I love mainly because I watched it as a child. Rewatching it as an adult I can see it's not nearly as perfect as I used to think it was. But nostalgia means I still watch it every Christmas.

No, this isn't even remotely a Christmas-y film. But Beauty and the Beast (1991) is my all-time favourite Disney film and one of the best fairy-tale adaptations ever made. That's a pretty good reason to watch it at any time of the year.

What do you mean, this isn't a Christmas film? It's right there in the title! The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) is a wonderfully creepy film that I love watching all through the year. At Christmas and Halloween I just watch it even more than usual 😄

And now, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night"!

Review: Beauty and the Beast (2017)

When I started this blog, I was sure I wouldn't review any films I don't like. I've changed my mind. Snarking at films I don't like is so much fun!

I've already reviewed this film on TVTropes. This review is an expanded version of that one. In essentials, nothing has changed.

Not even the title-card is as beautiful as in the cartoon.

Some genius in Disney decided to reinvent the wheel and make live-action films of their cartoons. For years now a parade of sub-par, soulless "adaptations" have made their way onto our screens. Some of them are watchable -- The Jungle Book (2016) stands out. Others are complete rubbish that lack everything that made the originals good -- Maleficent is one of the worst offenders.

This film is the worst of a bad lot. And to add insult to injury, it makes a mockery of Disney's best animated film.

It has a long list of familiar faces, which makes it more proof that not even a (mostly) good cast can make a film good.
Emma Watson (Hermione in Harry Potter) as Belle (!)
Dan Stevens (Matthew Crawley in Downton Abbey) as the Beast (!!)
Emma Thompson (Elinor in Sense and Sensibility 1995) as Mrs. Potts
Ian McKellan (Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings) as Cogsworth (What.)
Luke Evans (Bard in The Hobbit) as Gaston (Double "what.")
Ewan McGregor (Christian in Moulin Rouge! 2001) as Lumière
Audra McDonald (the Mother Abbess in The Sound of Music Live! 2013) as Madame de Garderobe (the wardrobe, for fans of the cartoon wondering who the heck that is.)
Kevin Kline (voice of Phoebus in The Hunchback of Notre Dame 1996) as Maurice
Josh Gad (voice of Olaf in Frozen 2013) as LeFou
Stanley Tucci (Abraham Erskine in Captain America 2011) as Cadenza (a character invented for this film)
Hattie Morahan (Elinor in Sense and Sensibility 2008) as the Enchantress

And that's just a few of them. The director deserves some sort of medal. He cast so many good -- well, famous, which isn't always the same thing -- actors, and managed to give all of them roles they were utterly unsuited to. Remember the Joe Wright curse I mentioned in the Pride and Prejudice (2005) review? This film is a perfect example of it.

But then, Bill Condon, the director, also directed at least one Twilight film. That should tell you all you need to know about his, ahem, "qualifications".

From the second scene, the greatest problem with this film becomes apparent. When you make a musical, you want actors who can sing, right? And if for some reason you cast an actor who can't sing, you can consult Singin' in the Rain on what to do in that situation. Namely, dub them! But this fine director decided he didn't care if half the actors couldn't carry a note in a bucket.

The result is painful to your ears, and leaves you close to tears. Yes, that was a My Fair Lady reference. I'm not a fan of Rex Harrison's recitative, but at least he didn't try to actually sing. They should have done the same thing here if they didn't want to dub anyone.

Anyway, back to the film. It opens in much the same way as the original: with a prologue describing the Beast's curse, and the townspeople singing "Belle". But dear god, compared to the original this looks like the preview of The Dueling Cavalier.

Belle's wooden acting is the only thing worse than her off-key singing. Emma Watson seems to have spent this film in a state of constant boredom. Can't say I blame her. I felt much the same when watching it.

We're introduced to Maurice, one of the few characters who can actually sing without making my ears bleed, but who for some inexplicable reason isn't an inventor in this version. Instead, Belle is the inventor. What.

Maurice goes off to a convention, gets lost, and ends up at the Beast's castle. Then the filmmakers decide to take a leaf from the original fairy-tale's book, and he picks a rose to bring back to Belle. This angers the Beast so much that he immediately throws Maurice in the dungeon.

Back in the village, Gaston proposes to Belle. This scene lacks all the humour of the original, not least because this Gaston is utterly unconvincing. The whole thing happens in private, without the village watching, yet the filmmakers kept his complaint about being publicly humiliated. Another "what".

Belle sets off to rescue her father, ends up at the castle, and meets the Beast. We viewers get our first good look at the Beast in this scene. That noise you just heard was me roaring with laughter. Remember how the Beast looks like a chimera out of someone's nightmares in the cartoon? (Until character development sets in.) Well, this Beast looks like an overgrown goat. It's not just the Beast, either. All the enchanted characters' appearances have been changed. And not for the better, either.

This film's motto is "things get worse". We're treated to a sub-par rendition of Be Our Guest (one of my favourite songs in the original, and dull as dishwater here). Then Belle sees the rose and has a confrontation with a remarkably calm Beast... that ends with her screaming and running away like in the original, even though he didn't lose his temper here.

In addition to directing rubbish films, the director has no grasp of biology. So allow me to enlighten him. WOLVES DON'T ROAR! Lions, tigers, bears, and angry audience members roar. Wolves howl. There's a difference.

As if this fiasco didn't drag on long enough, someone decided to add new songs to the film. Now, there's a stage version of BATB that already added several original songs. "Home" and "If I Can't Love Her" are the most impressive IMHO. So surely, if Disney decided to add more songs, they would turn to the stage version.

Nope. They went and gave us the sort of soppy drivel I'd expect to find in an amateur poet's first works. "Days in the Sun" is... reasonably bearable (oh, how it pains me to admit it). "Evermore" is best summed up with a Phantom of the Opera quote.

They changed half the lyrics in "Gaston", and in the process lost everything that makes that song so funny. But I mustn't overlook the way they butchered "Beauty and the Beast". The song, as well as the film. It's sad but true that Emma Thompson cannot sing this song. "Tale as old as toime, song as old as roime..." And Belle's dress looks nothing like a ballgown and more like an amateur dressmaker's first attempt.

An awful lot about this film is amateurish, actually. Except the budget. They certainly knew how to spend that. What a pity it doesn't show in the finished product.

Anyway, Belle runs off (in her underwear!) to save Maurice, Gaston and co. storm the castle, the Beast apparently dies. It was heart-wrenching in the original. Here, my only thought was "When will this end?"

Then the director makes the truly mind-boggling decision to bring back the enchantress and have her personally lift the curse. What. And the film ends (*cheers*) with a ball and a sub-par reprise of "Beauty and the Beast" (*boos*).

I can sum up this film in one word: "Ugh". It makes a mockery of the actors, the songs, and the story. Don't waste your time watching it. The original is better in every way, and much more enjoyable.

Is it available online?: To quote my P+P 2005 review, "Who cares?"

Rating: 1/10.

Review: Beauty and the Beast (1991)

There are some films that I simply adore. Beauty and the Beast is one of them. From the hauntingly beautiful opening to the adorable ending, it's one of the best films Disney has ever made. So what better movie to choose for my first review of an animated film?

Almost everyone knows the story of BATB. Girl falls in love with Beast, Beast is a prince under a spell, Beast turns back into prince and marries girl, they live happily ever after. It may surprise many people, then, to hear that the best-known version of the fairy-tale is not very close to the original. Beauty and the Beast (or La Belle et la Bête, in the original French) was written in 1740 by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve, though there were earlier stories with similar plots -- Cupid and Psyche, anyone?

In the original version, Beauty and the Beast were cousins, Beauty was the daughter of a king and a good fairy, another fairy tried to murder Beauty, and the Beast's mother left him in the care of an evil fairy. Why yes, the original version is weird, why do you ask? With that in mind, it's really not surprising that the Disney version follows the better-known plot.

Anyway, on to the story. It's so well-known that I'll just skim over it.

The story begins with a truly beautiful prologue, accompanied by some of the best music ever heard in a Disney film. The narrator tells us how a selfish prince was turned into a beast, and will only change back if he can learn to love, and be loved in return.

Then we meet Belle.

From her first appearance Belle became my favourite Disney princess. I think it's because she reminds me most of myself. She's a bookworm, she longs for adventure, she doesn't fit in with the people around her...

Anyway, Gaston wants to marry Belle, and she wants nothing to do with him. ("I just... don't deserve you!" 😆) Then her father Maurice gets lost in the woods and finds the Beast's castle. Belle goes in search of him and meets the Beast. She agrees to become his prisoner in exchange for her father's freedom.

Maurice goes back to the village and tries to get help. No one believes him when he tells them about the Beast, but Gaston makes an evil plan. If Belle doesn't marry him, he'll use Maurice's apparent madness to have him locked up in the asylum.

Meanwhile, Belle meets the Beast's servants, wanders into the forbidden West Wing, runs away and is attacked by wolves, and is saved by the Beast. This is the beginning of a friendship between them, which slowly becomes love.

Most girls want Belle's dress or happy ending. I want that library!

The servants are delighted with this turn of events, especially because it'll mean they become human again. (Some versions of the film add a song called "Human Again" that's all about this. Some people like it. I'm just "meh" about it. It's not terrible, but it doesn't add much to the film that isn't already in "Something There".)

And this is a perfect moment to mention my favourite song in the entire film, and therefore my favourite Disney song ever:

Beauty and the Beast

Belle and the Beast dance together, while Mrs. Potts sings this awesome song. It's beautiful, it's memorable, and it perfectly sums up the entire story. Every time I watch the film I replay this song again and again until my parents tell me to stop.

The Beast shows Belle a magic mirror that lets her see the outside world. She sees that Maurice has gone looking for her and is now ill. The Beast lets her go, in a scene that's simultaneously heartwarming and tragic. He has no chance of becoming human again if Belle leaves, but he loves her so he lets her go anyway. Aww... and ouch.

Belle finds Maurice, and Gaston finds them. He tries to put his plan in action. But he's foiled when Belle uses the magic mirror to show everyone the Beast, proving her father's sane. Gaston then convinces everyone that the Beast is a monster and will kill their children, and leads a mob to attack the castle. The servants deal with the mob, while Gaston tries to kill the Beast.

This is the part that always makes me cry. Gaston dies, but he stabs the Beast. And Belle has to watch him apparently die in front of her.

😭😭

But wait! Belle says she loves him just in time, and the spell's broken! The Beast comes back to life and turns into the prince!

And they all live happily ever after 😍

My overall opinion of the film can be summed up in one word: amazing. From beginning to end there isn't a single thing I dislike. Well, I loathe Gaston, but that's the reaction he's supposed to get. The gradual change in Belle and the Beast from hostility to love is portrayed so well that it's completely believable.

Is it available online?: I don't think so, but maybe it is somewhere.

Rating: 10/10.