Review: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

I forgot to post on Sunday, then meant to post on Monday and forgot again 😑

My reaction when I first heard of this film's existence was one word: "What." It's the sort of thing that makes you wonder if an asylum inmate thought it up. This singularly unfunny parody is one of the worst films I've ever watched. Yet somehow it's still better than the 2005 version.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a 2016 film based on someone's Frankenstein-esque butchery of Jane Austen's masterpiece. I've never read the, ahem, "novel" of the same name. I have no intentions of ever reading it. The film was quite enough.

I recognised several of the cast:
Lily James (Ella in Cinderella 2015) as Elizabeth
Douglas Booth (Pip in Great Expectations 2011) as Bingley
Charles Dance (Mr. Tulkinghorn in Bleak House 2005) as Mr. Bennet (?!)
Matt Smith (the Eleventh Doctor in Doctor Who) as Mr. Collins

As for the "plot", I don't know how to describe it. I made a list of comments while watching it, so they'll have to do.

The morbid twist on the novel's famous opening lines made me giggle while rolling my eyes.

For some reason Mr. Darcy is now a colonel. Honestly, my first thought was, "Why not use Colonel Fitzwilliam instead?"

I'm sorry to say this Darcy is one of the least convincing. It's painfully obvious he was trying to imitate Colin Firth and instead is imitating a brick wall. And his untidy hairstyle is just embarrassing.

On the one hand the zombie scene is honestly scary. On the other, it falls into the same trap as this film's very existence: WHAT IS IT DOING IN AN AUSTEN ADAPTATION?

The exposition over the opening credits is frankly boring. (I prefer when horror films don't try to explain where the horror comes from. It becomes so much more frightening when it's an unexplained mystery.)

On the subject of terrible casting, the Bennet parents are atrocious. Like the 2005 abomination, Mrs. Bennet is a perfectly normal woman when she shouldn't be. As for Mr. Bennet, I'd like to know who thought Charles Dance of all people was a good choice for the role.

Also like the 2005 abomination, the first ball bears a striking resemblance to a barn dance. The Bennets aren't peasants! They wouldn't go to such a crowded, undignified event! And it's utterly ludicrous to think Bingley's sisters, Darcy, or even Bingley himself would ever darken the doors of that place.

At least they remembered both of Bingley's sisters. I wasn't expecting that much accuracy.

In this version Lizzie deliberately eavesdrops on Darcy and Bingley, while Darcy is even more insulting towards her than in the novel. This makes both Darcy and Lizzie less sympathetic.

Oh, for goodness' sake. They expect us to believe Jane could cut off a zombie's arm with a knife? A knife. Not a sword. Not even a very large knife. As anyone knows if they've done any research on weapons at all, you need a very sharp, preferably long blade swung with a lot of force to cut through bone. (Why yes, I do research a lot of disturbing things for my writing. Why do you ask?) I know, I know. It's a trivial detail. Yet I find trivial implausibilities are more distracting than blatant inaccuracies.

The film decides to increase the drama by having everyone worry Jane's been bitten instead of just catching a cold. Darcy goes into her room (breaking a dozen rules of propriety!) and is prepared to kill her (???!!!!!). I didn't know if I've ever seen something so utterly ridiculous that still somehow makes sense... as much as anything in this film ever makes sense.

Apparently most zombie fighters train in Japan. At a time when Japan was closed to the outside world. And Darcy mispronounces Kyoto. It's "kyo-to", not "kee-o-to". (Okay, so this is an understandable mistake for people who know nothing about Japanese pronunciation. Yet it drives me up the wall.)

This film follows the 2005 one's lead in the "Miss Bennet, Miss Bennet and Miss Bennet" nonsense. That's so utterly wrong it makes me cringe. Only the oldest daughter present -- Mary, in this case -- would be called Miss Bennet! The others would be addressed as Miss Catherine Bennet and Miss Lydia Bennet! Learn a time period's basic etiquette before setting a film during that time!

Like many film adaptations and "adaptations" of classic novels, this mess charges ahead like a runaway train, frantically cramming as much as it can into less than two hours. That doesn't work well with straightforward versions. It works even less well with a film that's trying to add the zombie apocalypse to the already-lengthy source material.

Matt Smith's Mr. Collins -- renamed Parson Collins, for reasons known only to whoever dreamed up this madness -- is almost as oily as David Bamber's. Certainly he's better than Tom Hollander. (Which is damning by faint praise. My cat could be a better Mr. Collins than Tom Hollander was.)

Mr. Collins, about the zombies: "Before we know it they'll be running for Parliament." It says a great deal about all our politicians and every single party in existence that a Parliament full of zombies would be an improvement on the dictatorship we have now. At least the zombies would make no bones about wanting to kill us all and wouldn't pretend they care about us and want us to be safe.

This Wickham very nearly reaches the smug vileness of 1995!Wickham. My metre for judging Wickhams is "does he make me want to reach into the screen and wring his neck the minute he appears?" In this case the answer is yes, so for once the casting department did a good job.

Bizarrely Wickham does turn up at Bingley's party. Why? Darcy would have him thrown out if he came anywhere near the place!

It doesn't take a genius to guess who the zombies' "new friend" is. That just makes it even more stupid of Wickham to go there. Why go to a place he just sent zombies to attack?

Darcy shoving a zombie into the oven should be a grim scene, but all I could think of was the end of Sweeney Todd. ♫And life is for the alive, my dear...♫

Like in the 2005 version, Mr. Collins decides the middle of a meal is the perfect time to propose to Lizzie. *facepalm* Then it turns out Mrs. Bennet was listening at the door. *facepalms again* Mr. Bennet's "an unhappy alternative lies before you" speech lacks all the humour of the book and 1995 series. *facepalms yet again*

Wickham and Lizzie ride off together. Unchaperoned. Not only is this enough to ruin Lizzie's reputation, it's the height of stupidity for her to run off like that in the middle of a zombie apocalypse!

Lady Catherine is much too young. And not nearly as Lady Catherine-ish as she should be.

Wickham continues to pop up in the most unlikely places. There's no way in hell he'd ever be allowed near Rosings. Ever. And in this version he's the one who tells Lizzie about Darcy separating Bingley and Jane. That noise you just heard was me screaming in rage.

Darcy's proposal is one of the least convincing things I've ever seen. And that's before they break out the fisticuffs. Of course they had to shoehorn in a scene of Darcy jumping in a lake.

Wickham manages to be even more despicable here than in the book. I really didn't think that was possible! Yet Darcy becomes just as bad when he feeds human brains to the zombies. Seriously?! He turned them into a bloodthirsty horde that nearly killed him, Lydia, and Elizabeth -- not to mention any other unfortunate people who got in their way -- just to stop Wickham?

The final battle is -- incredibly -- the most ridiculous thing in the whole film. A battle of any sort has no business being in anything that claims to be based on an Austen novel. The "blow up the bridge" part is impossible to take seriously. Unfortunately they play it seriously. It's never a good sign when a parody doesn't let you laugh with it. You're left with no choice but to laugh at it, and then it stops being a parody and becomes a travesty.

That bizarre mid-credits scene ruins the otherwise relatively acceptable wedding and happy ending.

Literally the only good thing about it is that the premise is so insane that I started it without high expectations -- or any expectations at all. And unlike the 2005 film, it doesn't pretend to be a faithful adaptation. One of the worst parts about it is how the cast play it completely seriously. As a result I'm left wondering if they failed to realise it's a parody, and the entire film comes over as a joke at their expense.

Is it available online?: I hope not.

Rating: 1/10.

(Not Really a) Review: Which Pride and Prejudice Adaptation is the Best?

I'm trying something completely new today. Instead of reviewing just one work, I'll compare the different versions of Pride and Prejudice that I've seen. Which one is best? (You probably already know the answer.) Which one is worst? (Again, you probably know. What you might not know is that it has competition.)

First and more importantly: the novel itself. Without this book, none of the other versions would exist. It's the historical romance novel in many people's minds. Most of the thousands of Regency novels written since owe something to it. Mention Jane Austen and this is the book everyone will think of. In short, it's practically perfect in every way 😍

Verdict: The absolute best.

Next up: the 1940 film. Starring actors who don't suit their characters at all, wearing costumes from the wrong era and country. Features a Lady Catherine who's amusing in all the wrong ways, and a Lizzie and Darcy who are utterly unconvincing.

Verdict: I used to think this was the worst Pride and Prejudice adaptation. It's since moved up the list to second-worst.

Third time's the charm? Nope. The best I can say for the 1980 miniseries is that it's not as bad as some versions. Frankly, it's dull. I struggled to stay awake through it. Where are the memorable characters and witty dialogue of the novel?

Verdict: Not good. Not terrible. Just average and disappointing.

Finally! The 1995 miniseries is very nearly as good as the novel. I love every minute of it. I have whole episodes memorised. This series is the perfect example not only of how to properly adapt Pride and Prejudice, but of how to properly adapt any novel.

Verdict: Best. Version. Ever.

And last of all here's the worst. I've already said everything that can be said about the 2005 film. So let me summarise: KILL IT. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Verdict: Utter abomination.

I hope you enjoyed this series of mini-reviews! (Or should that be miniseries of reviews?) Note that this only includes P&P adaptations I've seen. There are plenty of others I haven't seen. But I think it's safe to say none of those others will ever be better than the 1995 series 😄

Review: Pride and Prejudice (novel)

Happy Easter! 😄 What better way to celebrate than with a review of one of my favourite books ever?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that this is the best romance novel ever written. No, that isn't hyperbole.

Pride and Prejudice was Jane Austen's second novel, published in 1813. It's been adapted into endless films, series, musicals, plays, audiobooks, and so on. It's been the inspiration for almost every romance novel written since its publication. Even people who've never read the book know the plot. Popularity isn't always a judge of quality, but this is one case where a book absolutely does deserve its renown.

Jane Austen's amazing writing combines with some of her best characters to produce one of the greatest books ever written. Mrs. Bennet's matchmaking, Mr. Bennet's snark, Elizabeth's initial dislike of Mr. Darcy, Mr. Darcy's initial disdain for Elizabeth; from the minute each character appears on the page their personality is distinct and often amusing. The story is full of memorable events. Who can forget Mr. Collins' proposal, or Lady Catherine's visit? And who can read the book without wanting to punch Wickham and Lydia?

At first Miss Austen's writing style is hard for a modern reader to get through. This was the early nineteenth century, after all, when "show, don't tell" was advice few authors followed. But with a little effort, anyone can understand and enjoy it.

She truly excelled at creating characters. On the surface, most of the characters are caricatures. How many times have you seen the matchmaking mother, the embarrassing siblings, the sensible main character, the unsuitable suitor(s) who're then replaced with a suitable one? But Jane Austen's characters are so much more than caricatures. Everyone, even comic relief like Mr. Collins, could be real people you'd meet, laugh at, or be annoyed by. And the romance between Elizabeth and Darcy is what so many later romances utterly fail to be: convincing.

I love this book from beginning to end, and I highly recommend it!

Is it available online?: Yes, on Gutenberg.

Rating: 20/10. What do you mean, that's not a proper rating? 10/10 isn't nearly high enough! 😃

Review: Pride and Prejudice (2005)

I never thought I would re-watch or review this travesty. But reviewing the infinitely-better 1995 version put me in a P+P mood, and one of my friends was raving about it, so common sense deserted me and I began to watch it again.

I had a great time watching it. I roared with laughter at every scene. By the time the credits rolled I had a stitch in my side.

There's only one problem. It isn't meant to be funny.

There's such a long list of recognisable actors that you'd expect the film would be good.
Keira Knightley (Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean) as Lizzie. (Yes, really! And she's exactly as unsuited to the role as you'd think!)
Matthew Macfadyen (Arthur in Little Dorrit) as Mr. Darcy. (Another inexplicable casting choice.)
Rosamund Pike (Lady Harriett in Wives and Daughters) as Jane
Carey Mulligan (Ada in Bleak House 2005) as Kitty
Simon Woods (Dr. Harrison in Cranford) as Bingley
Claudie Blakley (Martha in Cranford) as Charlotte
Tom Hollander (Osborne in Wives and Daughters, and Cutler Beckett in Pirates of the Caribbean) as Mr. Collins (!)
Rupert Friend (Prince Albert in The Young Victoria) as Wickham
Judi Dench (Miss Matty in Cranford) as Lady Catherine (!!)
Penelope Wilton (Mrs. Hamley in Wives and Daughters) as Mrs. Gardiner
Peter Wight (Mr. Wilfer in Our Mutual Friend 1998) as Mr. Gardiner
Donald Sutherland (the evil president in The Hunger Games whose name I can't remember and can't be bothered to look up) as Mr. Bennet
Jena Malone (that obnoxious brat in The Hunger Games -- it should be obvious by now that I don't care much about The Hunger Games) as Lydia

That's a pretty long list of (mostly) good actors. As for the film itself, I'll let Mr. Banks sum up this sorry spectacle.

From the opening scene it's obvious that the director didn't even read the book. The Bennets live on a farm. A farm that appears to be falling to pieces, no less. Mr. Bennet is a mumbling dotard, Mrs. Bennet is a pretty normal woman and nothing like the hilarious harpy of the book, and Lizzie is... Keira Knightley.

Brief tangent here: I've never had a high opinion of Keira Knightley. She's one of those actresses who only ever seem capable of one facial expression, and never show much emotion no matter how dramatic the situation is. Take her (lack of) acting in Curse of the Black Pearl, especially in the scene where Elizabeth has been captured by the ghost pirates. Anyone in their right mind would be visibly terrified. But Elizabeth gives her ultimatum then holds the medallion over the ship's side while showing all the emotion of a cabbage. Her "acting" is exactly the same here.

Things get progressively worse from there.

The ball where Elizabeth first meets Darcy bears a striking resemblance to a barn dance. Caroline Bingley wears the most anachronistic outfit I've seen outside of Mozart! das Musical. Mr. Bingley is an imbecile. In fact, I seriously wondered at first if Simon Woods was deliberately playing him as... mentally deficient, shall we say. It's especially jarring because I'd watched Cranford shortly before this film. His acting there is a thousand times better.

Darcy is pathetic. If I hadn't seen Little Dorrit, I'd have thought Matthew Macfadyen was a hopelessly wooden actor. This Darcy doesn't have the pride that Darcy is supposed to have, and his insult to Lizzie lacks all the impact it has in the book. Here, Lizzie is eavesdropping from under... a flight of stairs?, and he didn't know she could hear him.

Jane is the one character who's fairly similar to their book counterpart. But that just makes me feel sorry for her, because she doesn't deserve to be married to an idiot like this Bingley.

I held out some hope that things would improve when Mr. Collins appeared. Tom Hollander is a great actor, even though he's not the first name that would come to mind if I was asked to cast Mr. Collins. But no. He's the next one to fall victim to what I've dubbed "the Joe Wright curse". It's a malady that affects even good actors, reducing them to wooden acting and unconvincing characters, usually brought on by a terrible director.

I didn't expect this Mr. Collins to be the obsequious oil slick David Bamber so brilliantly made him. I just hoped that he would be as foolish and comical as in the book. Instead Mr. Collins is a flat, emotionless non-entity who's as funny as cold soup. His proposal (which for some reason happens at the breakfast table. Couldn't make this up if I tried!) is the worst thing I've seen for months. I didn't know if I should laugh or cringe. 🤷

On and on the film drags with no end in sight. We go straight from one event to the next without time to process what's just happened. Wickham is introduced, then disappears almost for the rest of the story. Charlotte and Mr. Collins get married. Lizzie meets Lady Catherine.

Judi Dench is a magnificent actress. If you need any proof, just watch Cranford. But she isn't Lady Catherine. No one but Barbara Leigh-Hunt will ever be Lady Catherine.

Surely Darcy's first proposal will be fairly accurate to the book? Surely not even this incompetent director could make a mess of it? HAHAHA no. If there's one thing this film has taught me, it's that things will always get worse.

Lizzie learns of Darcy's interference in Jane and Bingley's romance from an unconvincing Colonel Fitzwilliam. So far so good, right? Wrong. For some reason he tells her this in church, while he's sitting beside her. Wrong. Col. Fitzwilliam is Lady Catherine's nephew, and so he -- and Darcy, and Anne de Burgh -- would have sat with her in the family pew. Lizzie, meanwhile, would have sat with Charlotte in a different pew. Instead, Lady Catherine is sitting on her own, Darcy is sitting on his own, Anne de Burgh is nowhere to be seen, and the Colonel is sitting with Lizzie, who isn't sitting with Charlotte. Argh! *makes sounds of inarticulate rage*

Anyway, Lizzie storms off (in the middle of the service?). In the rain. To a building a long way from the church. And then Darcy appears out of nowhere to propose. It ends with them screaming at each other. Then we get a really weird scene of Lizzie apparently sleep-walking when Darcy arrives in the middle of the night to give her his letter. 😖

The film drags on even longer. Lydia runs away with Wickham, something that has absolutely no emotional impact in this version and doesn't matter anyway because the whole thing's cleared up in five minutes. Lady Catherine arrives in the middle of the night?! to have her argument with Lizzie, then Darcy and Lizzie meet in their nightclothes (😕), he proposes and speaks to her father, the end. Finally! But after all that, they didn't even show us the wedding? 😑

Some films exist only to remind viewers that any idiot can make a movie nowadays -- and worse, make a popular movie that many otherwise-sensible people rave about. This is one of those films. I wouldn't mind so much if it hadn't butchered a brilliant novel. Watch this film only if you need something to laugh at.

Is it available online?: Who cares?

Rating: 1/10.

Review: Pride and Prejudice (1995)

It's about time I reviewed one of my favourite series of all time. Feel free to join me in fangirling over -- I mean, reviewing -- the amazing, the brilliant, the hilarious Pride and Prejudice miniseries! (AKA, the only good adaptation this novel has ever had.)

Pride and Prejudice is based on a novel by Jane Austen, obviously. It's her second novel, published in 1813. The series sticks very close to the book, taking whole scenes directly from it, and its few differences are usually for the best.

For many of the actors, I've only seen some of their other films/series. And almost everyone knows the cast anyway, so I won't bother listing them 🙂

I'm sure everyone knows the plot, so I'll just give a brief overview then move on to what I thought of the series.

The village of Meryton is excited to hear that a rich young gentleman, Mr. Bingley, is moving into the neighbourhood. Mrs. Bennet is especially excited because he's unmarried, and she immediately decides he must marry one of her daughters.

Mr. Bennet, Jane, Lizzie, and Mrs. Bennet. Mary, Kitty and Lydia are there too, hidden behind Mrs. Bennet's hat.

Jane, the oldest Bennet girl, falls in love with Mr. Bingley. Mr. Darcy, Bingley's friend, unwillingly starts to fall in love with Elizabeth Bennet at the same time. Lizzie hasn't a clue, and doesn't like Mr. Darcy anyway. She becomes more and more interested in Mr. Wickham, who claims to have been mistreated by Darcy.

Mr. Hurst, Mrs. Hurst, Mr. Darcy, Caroline Bingley, and Mr. Bingley

Mr. Wickham. Ugh. Every time I see this creep I want to punch that smug look off his face.

Jane and Lizzie

Added to this mess is Mr. Collins, who wants to marry Lizzie; Bingley's sisters, who don't want their brother to marry Jane; and Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Darcy's aunt, who strongly disapproves of Elizabeth.

Mr. Collins

Lady Catherine

Hilarity ensues... until it doesn't.

Lydia, the youngest and most obnoxious Bennet sister, runs away with Wickham. The family is disgraced, until Mr. Darcy insists Wickham marries Lydia. By this time Lizzie has fallen in love with Darcy, and Jane and Bingley are engaged, so both couples have a double wedding and everyone lives happily ever after. Aww 😍

Is this the greatest period drama ever? Quite possibly, though I admit I think Cranford a better contender for that title. There's plenty of comedy in Pride and Prejudice, but not much that will leave you a sobbing wreck.

P+P perfectly captures the wit and humour of Jane Austen's writing, and it's one of the most faithful-to-the-book dramas ever made. Mr. Collins, Mrs. Bennet, and Lady Catherine are all exactly as hilarious as in the book. Wickham is a perfect copy of his book counterpart from the moment he oozes onto the screen. Jane and Bingley have the sweetest, cutest romance imaginable, and Lizzie and Darcy perfectly show their gradual change from dislike to love.

There are a few things I don't like, though. The most obvious one is the costumes. Yes, low-cut dresses are historically accurate for the period. But this series takes that to extremes. Almost every single dress has a plunging neckline, and there comes a point when it's obviously not for historical accuracy.

Another thing is the portrayal of Mary Bennet. In the book, it's clear that Mary reads and quotes books because she wants to make herself look smart, rather than because she truly enjoys reading. This aspect of her character is removed from the series, where it looks like she's being made fun of because she's a bookworm. As a bookworm myself, this annoys me endlessly.

Is it available online?: It used to be on YouTube, but now there are only a few clips from it. I'm not sure if it can be found anywhere else.

Rating: 9/10.