I was cautiously interested when I heard a new version of Anne of Green Gables was being made. I knew it would never compare to the brilliant 1985 film, but I thought it might be good enough. Then I read more about it, and other people's reactions to it. I was horrified. Surely it couldn't be as bad as that! Oh yes it could. It's worse.
What better title card for Anne of Green Gables than a stick with writing on it? To say nothing of the unexpectedly creepy credits.
I hesitate to say this is based on Anne of Green Gables, because it isn't. Someone took the names and setting of the book and attached them to characters L. M. Montgomery was too good a writer to invent.
I didn't recognise any of the actors. This series has not made me eager to seek out their other performances.
Episode one starts with... some guy in (what I mistook for) a cowboy hat galloping across a beach? Huh? I paused the video and double-checked to make sure I wasn't watching a Western by mistake. Then the scene randomly cuts to the opening credits, which only need eerie music to make them perfect for a horror show. Played over them is a song that's better fitted to a series about country music than something supposedly based on Anne of Green Gables.
Marilla and Matthew are nothing like their book counterparts. Marilla's personality bears a striking resemblance to Aunt Ruth's in Emily of New Moon. Matthew doesn't have a personality at all. And Anne is the worst of the lot. Instead of the cheerful, imaginative, occasionally hot-tempered girl who gained her author worldwide popularity, this "Anne" is your typical modern emo teen who whines about everything. She's as much like Anne Shirley as I'm like Queen Victoria.
In the book Matthew and Anne's first meeting is funny and heartwarming. She's so excited to meet him and she talks endlessly. He's terrified of approaching her, bewildered by her being there at all, but warms up to her after a while. Here Matthew just looks mildly surprised, and Anne immediately goes all "woe is me! I'm already a disappointment to you!". I'd expect that sort of whinging from one of Avonlea's much-maligned Pyes, not from Anne.
Rachel Lynde is yet another disappointment. This series does the impossible and makes her boring. How? It takes real talent to turn one of Avonlea's most memorable residents into a non-entity who says a few lines and leaves no impression. The scriptwriter and director are so unbelievably bad at their jobs that I'm honestly in awe.
Someone decided L. M. Montgomery's excellent prose wasn't good enough for them. So they wrote new dialogue. The effect is like William McGonagall rewriting Shakespeare's sonnets. Anne's speech at the breakfast table ("howling wilderness"! "I'm glad it's a pretty morning"! 😆) had me in stitches. All right, so Anne is supposed to have her moments of melodrama. But the book, and a good actress (read: Megan Follows), can make her melodrama endearing rather than ridiculous. Anne's actress here plays all her scenes completely straight, and elevates them from "bad" to "amazingly, pricelessly bad".
I considered abandoning the series in the middle of the first episode. But I wanted to see how the series portrayed Gilbert. So I skipped ahead to the second episode and fast-forwarded in search of Gilbert -- or the caricature that bore his name.
Another absurdity is the episode titles. Literary references work well as titles, provided they fit the themes of the story using them as a title. A Jane Eyre quote would be a good title for a Gothic story, but for an Anne of Green Gables episode?
What on earth is happening five minutes into episode two? Some random strangers appear (I assume they were introduced in the second half of episode one, but who knows) and a child almost chokes to death. It took me ages to connect this with the incident of Diana's sister having croup. That happens quite far into the book, after Anne accidentally set Diana drunk, and it resolves the "forbidden from seeing Diana" subplot. It has no business being placed near the start of an adaptation. As for Diana, it goes without saying that this version of her is nothing like the book's. I didn't know she was Diana until I realised what was happening.
A boy and his dying father appear shortly after this. I had no idea who they were and thought they must be inventions of the series-makers. No, apparently the boy is Gilbert. He has all the personality of a cardboard box and -- most damning of all -- he doesn't have book!Gilbert's dramatic first appearance. I suppose the director thought Anne breaking a slate over Gilbert's head was "too violent" and "setting a bad example" or some similar tripe.
Well, now that I know what Gilbert's like, I've had more than enough of this series. I haven't watched a full episode and I hope never to see it again.
Is it available online?: Who cares?
Rating: 0/10.
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