Review: The King's Woman

Once upon a time I was naïve enough to think Goodbye My Princess was unusual among C-dramas for being a tragedy. I've learnt better now. Turns out about half of all historical C-dramas are tragedies or have extremely bittersweet endings -- and that might be understating it a bit.

The King's Woman (秦时丽人明月心 or Qín Shí Lí Rén Míng Yuè Xīn in Chinese) is a 2017 series very loosely based on the novel The Legend of Qin: Li Ji Story by Shi Ren Wen. It's even more loosely based on historical events.

I only recognised the two main actors, both from Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms:

Dilraba Dilmurat (Bai Feng Jiu in TMOPB) as Gongsun Li

Vin Zhang (Li Jing in TMOPB) as Ying Zheng

Years ago Gongsun Li rescued Ying Zheng. When they meet again years later, Ying Zheng is King of Qin (and incidentally future first emperor of China), and he's determined to make Gongsun Li marry him. She's in love with Jing Ke, but she reluctantly agrees to marry Ying Zheng to save Jing Ke's life. Cue much misery for Gongsun Li and Jing Ke plotting to assassinate Ying Zheng.

Gongsun Li

Ying Zheng. Ugh.

From the beginning I knew this series wouldn't end well. There were times when I felt like giving up and not bothering to finish it. I never expected to hate any Cdrama lead as much as I hate Cheng Yin from Goodbye My Princess... until Ying Zheng came along. As despicable as Cheng Yin was, at least he never murdered children.

And there's one other major difference between Ying Zheng and Cheng Yin: the latter's behaviour is portrayed as reprehensible and his relationship with Xiao Feng is never treated as a romance. The relationship between Gongsun Li and Ying Zheng on the other hand is portrayed as true love. Maybe some people can accept a romance that starts with the man forcing the woman to marry him and threatening to murder her unborn child, but I most certainly can't.

I finished watching the series mainly out of curiosity to see just how badly it would end. When it was over I almost regretted spending so much time on it. Yes, the series has its good moments, but as already stated the romance is fatally flawed from the start. And as for the ending, Gongsun Li's death is pointless tragedy. After everything she's already suffered I wanted her to escape and live happily ever after, far away from Ying Zheng. Instead she dies just to make Ying Zheng more miserable. I'm all for making Ying Zheng miserable, but not at the cost of Gongsun Li's life 😒

As you might have guessed I kept comparing it to Goodbye My Princess. When it comes to Cdramas about a deeply dysfunctional royal marriage, I prefer GMP to The King's Woman. This series can't decide if it's condemning Ying Zheng's actions or portraying him as the hero.

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube and Viki. Both have English subtitles of varying quality.

Rating: 5/10.

Review: Lost Love in Times

Dramas where someone gets amnesia and falls in love with the same person twice. This one puts its own spin on an oft-used trope: instead of amnesia, a character creates an alternate universe and falls in love with the same person twice.

Lost Love in Times (醉玲珑, AKA Zuì Líng Lóng, AKA "Drunk Ling Long" or "Exquisite Drunkenness") is a 2017 Chinese series based on the novel of the same name by Shi Si Ye. It has a sequel which I haven't watched yet, mainly because I can't find it on YouTube.

I only recognised two actors:

Shi Shi Liu (Xin Yue in Sound of the Desert) as Qing Chen

Yi Jun Liu (Xie Yu in Nirvana in Fire) as Yuan An

The series is set in a fantasy version of ancient China where sorcerers protect the royal family of Great Wei. Within the first five episodes our heroes, Qing Chen and Yuan Ling, fall in love and get married... well, try to. Yuan Ling's half-brother Yuan Zhan decides the middle of the wedding is the perfect time to stage a coup. Chaos ensues. Qing Chen uses a spell to create an alternate universe, only to discover that nothing is how she remembers it, no one knows who she is, and Yuan Zhan has undergone a complete change of character. The remaining fifty-one episodes are about Qing Chen adjusting to life in the AU and falling in love with Yuan Ling again, while dealing with endless schemes from the people living in the palace.

My main problem with the series is the costumes. Especially the truly bizarre headdresses. A few examples:

Qing Chen and a headdress that defies description.

Tao Yao and Xi Xie wearing what I've nicknamed "triceratops hats". (You have to admit, those things do look slightly triceratops-ish.)

Yuan Zhan with a flying saucer on his head.

Not pictured: the equally strange headgear Yuan Ling and Yuan Che don on occasion. Or the garish outfits certain characters wear. Seriously, costume department, what were you thinking? On the bright side the scenery is incredible. I can only assume someone used up so much of the budget on it that they had virtually nothing left for the costumes.

Once I managed to look past the ugly costumes and not be distracted by the breath-taking scenery I found myself enjoying the series much more than I expected from my first impression. Qing Chen and Yuan Ling are adorable together 😍 They were my OTP from the start, and not even in the AU when Yuan Zhan is 1) a decent person and 2) in love with Qing Chen made me change my mind. And Yuan Che is adorable. I was very confused when he disappeared without explanation towards the end. Apparently he's the main character of the sequel, but I wish there was some mention of him in the last episodes. Even if just to confirm he's still alive 😒

Yuan Ling

Yuan Che

Of course, then there are the villains. I absolutely loathe Yuan An. He's Xie Yu all over again. Apparently this actor specialises in playing scumbags who attempt to murder their adopted children.

Yuan An

Yuan Ming is no better. I wish he had died much earlier, before he got poor Yuan Ji killed 😢

Yuan Ming and Yuan Ji

Overall I loved this series, apart from a few minor quibbles, and I wish I could find the sequel somewhere. I want to know what happened to Yuan Che!

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube with English subtitles.

Rating: 8/10.

Review: War and Peace (2016)

This is the third version of War and Peace I've tried. The others are the book itself and a sadly boring opera. This is the only one I've finished -- which says more about how short it is than about its quality.

War and Peace is a 2016 miniseries based on the novel of the same name. BBC period dramas are usually good. This is a notable exception.

I recognised several actors:

Lily James (Ella in Cinderella 2015) as Natasha

Tuppence Middleton (Amelia Haversham in Dickensian) as Helene

Stephen Rea (Inspector Bucket in Dickensian) as Vassily

Callum Turner (Theseus in The Crimes of Grindelwald) as Anatole

Kenneth Cranham (Wegg in Our Mutual Friend 1998) as a minor character whose name I can't remember

Gillian Anderson (Lady Dedlock in Bleak House 2005) as Anna

When I gave up on trying to get through the book I wondered why Tolstoy is considered a good author. This series made me wonder even more. From what I've seen he's only notable for writing very long, very boring novels in which nothing ever happens.

Like the book itself the series suffers from a complete inability to decide who the main characters are and what the plot is. One minute the story follows the start of Pierre's disastrous marriage to Helene, the next it's about Napoleon's invasion, and the next everyone's at a party. None of these subplots ever feel like they belong in the same book/series. It's like someone -- either Tolstoy or the director -- tried and failed to imitate Dickens by thinking up as many subplots as possible.

One of the worst things are the costumes. Very few of them bear even the slightest resemblance to what people would actually have worn in the early nineteenth century. That alone makes it clear the series-makers just didn't care. Just as bad is the nudity and incest. I find it very, very hard to believe Tolstoy wrote about either, so for once the blame is entirely on the director/scriptwriter/whoever thought of that.

It wouldn't be so bad if I cared about the characters. Just one sympathetic character would be enough to keep me interested. But all of them are either dull or disgusting, and it was a real struggle to get through the whole series. Honestly I wish I hadn't bothered. It wasn't worth the time or effort.

Is it available online?: Who cares?

Rating: 1/10.

Review: Love and Destiny

Usually it's easy to tell if something is a spin-off or a remake of a previous work. This is one of the few times when a series is technically both.

Love and Destiny (宸汐缘; Chén Xī Yuán) is a 2019 Chinese series. It's not actually based on an existing work, but it's somehow related to Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms. In essence it's the same story but with different characters and a slightly different plot.

I only recognised one actress:
Ni Ni (Feng Zhi Wei in The Rise of Phoenixes) as Ling Xi

Ling Xi, our heroine, stumbles upon a man frozen in ice and accidentally wakes him. Turns out he's Jiu Chen, the god of war, and he's been there for ten thousand years. Ling Xi starts working for him, and ends up falling in love with him. Obstacles in the path of their romance include secrets about Ling Xi's parents and Jiu Chen's crazy stalker.

Ling Xi

Jiu Chen

This is a very odd series. It's too different from Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms to be a remake and it's too similar to be a spin-off. Basically it's an AU fanfic of TMOPB, starring the author's OCs. (That sentence probably makes no sense at all unless you've read and/or written plenty of fanfiction.) Like far too many AU fanfics starring OCs, it's nowhere near as good as the original.

My first problem with it is how the story drags. Whole subplots and at least three characters could be removed and the story would still make sense. My second problem is that Jiu Chen and Ling Xi simply aren't believable as a romantic couple. Their interactions are much more like a teacher or an older relative dealing with someone who means well but has more enthusiasm than common sense. It doesn't help that Jiu Chen is obviously years older than Ling Xi. Connected to this is my third problem: very few of the characters are interesting. When I don't care about the characters or the romance, there's not much to make me keep watching a series.

Somewhat reluctantly I stuck with it to the end. The best I can say about it is that the costumes, sets, and OST are all beautiful. Everything else is decidedly underwhelming. Certainly it'll never take Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms' place as one of my favourite C-dramas.

Is it available online?: Yes, on Viki. It's also on YouTube, but last time I checked not all of the episodes had English subtitles.

Rating: 4/10.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of Poirot

When I looked for period dramas I haven't seen yet, this series appeared in almost every list. At first I was reluctant to start a series where every episode is a different story. Now I've finally got around to starting it, and I wish I'd done it earlier.

Poirot (also called Agatha Christie's Poirot; apparently someone thought there are so many characters named Poirot that viewers might think it's based on some other author's works) is a long-running series that adapts all of Agatha Christie's stories about the title character. Yes, all of them. Unsurprisingly it lasted over twenty years, from 1989 to 2013.

I've never read any of the Poirot novels, and my only previous knowledge of the character was from Murder on the Orient Express. So while I know every episode is about Poirot solving a mystery, I don't know anything about the cases. Turns out that's a good thing. I've watched the first four episodes of the first series, and every time I waited with bated breath to learn whodunnit and why they did it. Only once have I correctly guessed who the criminal is before the case is solved.

I love almost everything about this series. It's unexpectedly funny; Hastings' obsession with tennis and the running joke about Poirot's uncomfortable shirt collars are just two of the things that made me laugh. The cases themselves always end with an unexpected solution. And of course for period drama fans there's the 1930s setting. So I can safely say that this is one series I'll keep watching.

Review: Nirvana in Fire

Who'd have thought? There are now four series I rate 10/10!

Some series require very little thought; I know them so well or they have such simple plots that they're easy to follow without paying attention. This is definitely not one of them. You need to concentrate on every minute of this series to fully understand how amazing it is. I've seen it four times and still keep finding things I missed.

Nirvana in Fire (琅琊榜/Láng Yá Bǎng, literally "Lang Ya List") is a 2015 Chinese series based on the novel of the same name by Yan Hai. It was followed by a 2017 sequel. (I watched the first five episodes of the sequel. Let's just say it's a fine example of why sequels can be very bad things. It's missing everything that made the first series so good.)

I only recognised three actors:
Hao Feng Cheng (Zhang Wenzheng in General and I) as Xiao Jingrui
Lei Wu (Yang Ping in Shadow 2018) as Fei Liu
Yu Jian Zhang (Pian Feng in Ice Fantasy) as Lie Zhanying

At first the story seems simple enough. Twelve years before the series begins, an army was massacred because they were falsely accused of treason. Mei Changsu was one of the few survivors. Ever since he's been planning his revenge. Now he's come to the capital to expose the corruption in the royal family, put his childhood friend Jingyan on the throne, and finally get justice. In the process he meets his former fiancée Nihuang again, who figures out his true identity very quickly. Unfortunately, she doesn't know he's secretly dying of poison.

Mei Changsu/Lin Shu/Su Zhe

Nihuang

Jingyan

Of course it's a lot more complicated than it sounds. Keeping track of who's who was a nightmare the first time I watched it. Just about everything will be important later. Even a book or a throwaway remark. You probably won't be able to understand the whole story unless you watch the series at least twice. Luckily it's the sort of series that you want to rewatch. Over and over and over. Even though it tears your heart into shreds repeatedly.

At least it has funny and heartwarming moments to distract from the tragedy. Fei Liu is one of the far too few child characters who are adorable without being annoying. Meng Zhi is basically part of the audience, watching, commenting on, and being confused by the schemes of all these geniuses. And Consort Jing is a strong contender for the title of "most amazing character in the entire series".

I avoided spoilers as much as possible, yet about half-way through I began to sense it wouldn't have a happy ending. I hoped and prayed I was wrong. Then the final episode arrived and proved me right. No matter how many times I see it, that damned last episode always leaves me a sobbing mess 😭

This isn't a series you can watch just for fun. You have to pay attention to basically everything. But it's one of the best series I've ever seen, and I expect I'll soon watch it a fifth time.

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube with English subs.

Rating: 10/10.

(Not Really a) Review: The Three K-dramas I've Watched So Far

As you probably know by now, I've watched several Chinese dramas. Korean dramas, on the other hand, are a rabbit hole I haven't really fallen down yet. Here are my thoughts on the three dramas I have seen.

Goblin (also called Guardian: The Lonely and Great God) is one of the most famous K-dramas ever made. It's also the first one I watched from beginning to end. My thoughts: ...well, it's certainly good. At times it's heartwarming, at times it's depressing, and some parts of it made me roar with laughter.

There's just one problem. The far-too-large (and too obvious) age gap between the main couple. I simply can't ship an immortal man with a girl who's still in high school. Not only that, but their interactions feel far more friendly/familial than romantic. I would have enjoyed the series more if it had removed the romance and instead focused on the zany antics of the immortal goblin and the grim reaper who somewhat reluctantly become housemates.

Rating: 7/10.

Scholar Who Walks the Night is based on the manhwa of the same name (which I haven't read yet). If it stays close to the source, then the manhwa isn't very good. If it doesn't, then the adaptation isn't very good. Basically, it's about vampires. In Joseon. Fighting over who gets the throne. Insane though that premise is, it could have been turned into something quite good. Unfortunately most of the series is silly and/or boring.

Ironically the best part of it is the villain. I fast-forwarded each episode until I found Gwi's next scene. He's a manipulative, despicable monster, but he's much more interesting than the heroes. I was honestly disappointed when he died.

Rating: 4/10.

The King in Love (also called The King Loves) is based on the novel of the same name, which in turn is loosely based on historical events. Verdict: yet another series with a clumsily shoehorned-in love triangle. The historical and political part of the story is interesting. But at least twice in every episode the plot comes to a screeching halt while Won, San and Rin angst and sulk about their romantic woes.

By far the worst part is the ending. We never find out how Rin survived that fall. I'd just accepted he was dead when suddenly he reappears without a word of explanation. There went my suspension of disbelief 😒

Rating: 6/10.

Review: The Magnificent Century Season 1

It took me ages to make any progress with this drama. At last, after many breaks when I just couldn't be bothered watching it, I've decided to drop it. Here are my thoughts on what I did watch, and why I lost interest.

The Magnificent Century/Muhteşem Yüzyıl is a Turkish series that aired from 2011 to 2014. It was followed by a sequel, The Magnificent Century: Kösem, in 2015.

I didn't recognise any of the actors, so on to the plot.

The series revolves around Alexandra/Hürrem, starting when she's kidnapped and forced to become one of the Sultan's concubines. She eventually becomes Suleiman's legal wife, in spite of the other concubines plotting against her.

As I said in my first impressions of the series, the main problem with the story is how it pretends a deeply dysfunctional relationship is a grand romance. (I have no idea what happened historically; this is entirely the series' highly fictionalised version of events.) Alexandra loses her parents, her fiancé, her home, her language, her religion, and even her name when she's brought to the palace, but she's only upset about any of this for about half an episode. Then she falls in "love" with Suleiman and starts plotting to gain his favour like all the rest of the concubines.

In any other series that would be the grim, depressing tragedy of a woman who has everything taken from her and has no choice but to adapt to her new "home" to survive. This series pretends everything's just fine and dandy and look, Suleiman really loves Hürrem even though she's just one of God-knows-how-many concubines! Not to mention that part where he slept with Hürrem's former friend while Hürrem was giving birth to his child. There's no way to view that as a romance. It's more disturbing than some true crime documentaries I've seen.

The series doesn't even have the benefit of being interesting. It's incredibly repetitive. Every episode was another rehash of the "Mahidevran plots again Hürrem" story. Nor could I sympathise with any of the characters. They're all doing their best to destroy their own and everyone else's lives, and after the first two episodes all of them blurred together.

So, after eight painful and infuriating episodes, I've given up this series and have no intention of ever returning to it.

Is it available online?: It's on YouTube. I can't be bothered giving a link.

Rating: 1/10.

Review: The Terror (2018)

I watched this series last year and meant to review it after finishing it. Of course, being the scatterbrain I am, I promptly forgot all about it until now. I known I've forgotten a lot about the series, but I remember enough to give my general thoughts on it.

The Terror is a 2018 period drama/horror miniseries, based on the 2007 novel of the same name, which in turn is loosely based on Franklin's lost expedition. I haven't read the book, so I don't know how closely it sticks to it. A second season aired in 2019; it was unrelated to the novel and set in an entirely different place and era.

I only recognised a few actors:
Jared Harris (King George VI in The Crown) as Crozier
Tobias Menzies (Prince Philip in The Crown season three) as Fitzjames
Ciarán Hinds (Edward Rochester in Jane Eyre 1997) as Franklin
Alistair Petrie (Major Gordon in Cranford) as the doctor
John Lynch (Nemo in Bleak House 2005) as Bridgens

The series starts with the expedition's two ships, Terror and Erebus, getting stuck in ice. Things quickly go from bad to worse when a monstrous bear starts hunting the crew -- and an equally monstrous member of the expedition starts killing those lucky enough to escape the bear.

I have to admit, it was a chore to stay interested in the series. The very first scene makes it clear almost everyone's going to die. That removed all suspense at once, and all that remained was to see how they died. It also meant I didn't care for any of the characters. What's the point of getting attached to people who you know will die horribly? (And very few of them are likeable anyway.)

After reading the plot summary I expected the Tuunbaq would be the main villain. Well, it's certainly one of them, but Hickey is arguably even worse. Not to mention the Tuunbaq has surprisingly little screentime. And its death is a real anticlimax. The rest of the series built it up as some supernatural monster that can eat souls, then it... eats Hickey and chokes to death. Or maybe he poisoned it; he was certainly vile enough. Either way, that left me wondering just what it was supposed to be. A real animal? A spirit? Some weird combination of the two?

The series has its good moments. (Since it's a horror series, "good" means everything from "suspenseful" to "terrifying".) The Tuunbaq's attacks stand out. I would probably have been more interested if it hadn't revealed the characters' fates in the first five minutes. As it is, it's not one of my favourites, and I'm not likely to watch it again.

Is it available online?: Not as far as I know.

Rating: 5/10.

Review: Goodbye My Princess

What an awful week this has been. It was so bad I nearly decided not to bother writing a review today. But I recently finished this series, so I might as well review it now.

This is the first C-drama I've watched that's a tragedy. Most other series have at least a bittersweet ending. This one's ending is entirely bitter. Strangest of all, some people still call it a romantic comedy.

Knowing what to call this drama is a puzzle. Remember how Ashes of Love had multiple titles? So does this one. It's called Goodbye My Princess and Eastern Palace in English, Dōng Gōng in Pinyin, and 東宮/东宫 (depending on whether you use traditional or simplified characters) in Chinese. Whatever you want to call it, it's a 2019 series based on the novel Eastern Palace by Fei Wo Si Cun.

I only recognised one actor:
Zan Jin Zhu (Jin Guangyao in The Untamed) as Zhao Shi Xuan

At first the series looks like a typical "character conceals their identity" romance drama. Princess Xiao Feng, our heroine, meets a man who claims to be a merchant. He's actually Prince Cheng Yin from a rival kingdom. They fall in love and get married. Happily ever after, right? Nope. Everything goes horribly wrong. Short summary of what happens next: Cheng Yin kills Xiao Feng's grandfather, Xiao Feng attempts suicide, both of them lose their memories, they fall in love and get married again, and Cheng Yin ruins everything again. "Happily ever after"? This series doesn't know the meaning of the words.

Now, a few words about the characters.

Xiao Feng

From the first episode Xiao Feng was my favourite character. She's so brave and she suffers so much that I spent most of the series hoping she would finally escape Cheng Yin. The last episode dashed those hopes. I still can't think of (SPOILER!) her suicide without tearing up 😭

Cheng Yin

One word: ugh. Cheng Yin is one of those characters who had the potential to be good, and instead became the villain. His love for Xiao Feng starts out cute and innocent. It very quickly becomes possessiveness and an obsession that refuses to let her go even when she tries to escape. I'm horrified but almost impressed at thoroughly he ruins her life and his own. Anyone can mess up a second chance, but it takes real talent to start again and then destroy everything the exact same way as the first time.

Gu Jian

At first I was basically indifferent to Gu Jian. Then they brought him back from the (almost) dead under circumstances utterly implausible even for Cdramas. I can believe he survived being stabbed. I can believe, with some more difficulty, that he survived being thrown off a huge cliff. But I cannot believe that he, a normal human in a non-fantasy series, survived both. As for his personality, he made so little impression that I can only say he'd have been better for Xiao Feng than Cheng Yin was. (Which really isn't saying much. Just about anyone would be better for Xiao Feng than Cheng Yin.)

Se Se

Is it possible? A character who I loathe as much as Cheng Yin? I certainly didn't think any character could manage it. Cheng Yin disgusts me so much that he's on a level very few characters can stoop to reach. Yet Se Se does just that. She's as obsessed with Cheng Yin as he is with Xiao Feng. That's bad enough (what self-respecting woman could ever consider Cheng Yin a suitable husband?!), but she also makes Xiao Feng's life even more miserable than it already was.

Shi Xuan

If ever there was a case of wasted potential... Zan Jin Zhu was so good in The Untamed (and by "good" I mean "excellent"; he went from adorable to downright terrifying in no seconds flat) that I was delighted to learn he was in this series. I expected he would play a major character, or at least an important one. Instead Shi Xuan has very few scenes and virtually nothing to do. Most disappointing 😞

The empress, proof that historical accuracy can be a very bad thing.

When the empress first appeared I had to stop the video and stare for a minute. All I could think was "What the hell is that make-up????" So I had to consult Google. Turns out her... unique... appearance is based on a style of make-up worn during the Tang dynasty. Goodness knows why someone chose that style for the empress; the series isn't even set in the Tang dynasty.

There are a few things that annoyed me about the series. One was the existence of the River of Forgetfulness. There are no other fantasy elements to be seen, but there really is a river that can make people forget things? That stretched my disbelief almost to breaking point. Another was the Shuobo subplot. It contributes very little to the main plot, except to make life even harder for Xiao Feng. But fortunately those annoyances are minor things.

If you want a fluffy romance with a happy ending, this is definitely not the series for you. If you don't mind a series that's frequently depressing and has an absolutely heartbreaking end, you might enjoy this one.

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube with English subtitles. (There are two versions on YouTube; a shortened 52-episode one, and a longer 55-episode one. I watched the longer version.)

Rating: 9/10.

Review: Ashes of Love

Some Cdramas, for reasons known only to the translators, have multiple titles. This causes headaches for people trying to decide which title to use. So I'd better make it clear from the start: this is a review of the series that is called both Ashes of Love and Heavy Sweetness, Ash-Like Frost.

Ashes of Love, AKA Heavy Sweetness, Ash-Like Frost, AKA 香蜜沉沉烬如霜, AKA Xiāng Mì Chén Chén Jìn Rú Shuāng is a 2018 Chinese series. It's based on the novel of the same name (the Chinese name, that is) by Dian Xian.

I only recognised three actors:
Yun Xi Luo (Rong Qi in Princess Silver) as Run Yu
Yu Qi Chen (Tuoba Di in The Princess Wei Young) as Liu Ying
Yi Fei Wang (Xiao Qing in The Untamed: The Living Dead) as Sui He

The series starts off a comedy. It doesn't stay one for long. Jin Mi finds an injured bird and rescues it. The bird turns out to be Xu Feng, son of the Heavenly Emperor and Empress, who was attacked by a mysterious assassin. Jin Mi decides she really wants to see the Heaven Realm. So Xu Feng takes her back with him. While there she meets his half-brother, Run Yu, and the three of them get dragged into a love triangle. Meanwhile, the Heavenly Empress is determined to get rid of everyone she doesn't like... including Jin Mi and Run Yu.

Chinese dramas, especially fantasy and historical ones, are rather like Dickens novels. Attempting to explain their plots and subplots would take hours. So I'll move on to a different subject: the characters.

Jin Mi

Jin Mi is, to put it bluntly, an idiot. Her habit of jumping into things without knowing what she's doing causes endless trouble for herself and everyone else. But unlike some idiotic characters, at least she's an entertaining idiot. She provides a lot of the series' humour, even when it becomes less outright comedic.

Xu Feng

Xu Feng is one of those characters who never made much impression on me. I don't like him or dislike him. He's just... there.

Run Yu

And now, a character who definitely did make an impression on me! Run Yu became my favourite character almost as soon as he appeared. The flashbacks to his childhood are heartbreaking 😢 Honestly, I cheered him on when he finally had enough and lashed out against his father and stepmother. At the same time I really wanted to slap some sense into him, because why did he insist on marrying Jin Mi? When it was so obvious she wasn't happy?! 😒

This is one of the few series where I don't ship either part of the love triangle. (In fact, I've seen so many series with love triangles that I'm sick of them. Find more original love stories, series-makers! Enough angst and indecision about which love interest the main character will choose!) Jin Mi and Xu Feng are frankly dull. Jin Mi and Run Yu? No, no, no. They could never make each other happy. Not to mention Run Yu treating Jin Mi like a possession he can "reclaim" by fighting Xu Feng 😒 This series would honestly have been better without a romance subplot at all.

I liked some of the series. Other parts of it infuriated me. That mortal realm subplot bored me so much I skipped almost all of it. At least the scenery and the music are always beautiful. There were times when I completely forgot about what was happening in the story because the scenery was so pretty! 😄

Is it a bad series? No. But it's also not my favourite. I'd recommend it mainly for people who like fantasy and don't mind love triangles.

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube with English subtitles.

Rating: 7/10.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of Sanditon (2019)

Jane Austen adaptations are a very mixed bag. On the one hand you get classics like the 1995 versions of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice. On the other you get abominations like Pride and Prejudice (2005). Take a wild guess which category this one falls into.

"Jane Austen's"? Really? "Brought to life"? Really?

Sanditon is a miniseries named after an unfinished Jane Austen novel. I've never read the published version of the novel, or any of the attempts other authors have made to complete it. To be honest I haven't watched the series yet either. (I'm not a fan of watching things while they're still airing.) But it's clear from simply reading about this series and looking at GIFs and stills from it that it isn't a Jane Austen adaptation.

I didn't even know it was being made until I read a newspaper boasting about how (paraphrased) "this Austen adaptation replaces dull conversations with nudity". I did a double take. Surely I'd misread that. Unfortunately I hadn't. So I googled the series, hoping the article was lying to attract viewers. It wasn't.

There are so many things wrong with this series that I don't know where to begin. Might as well start with the nudity. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE THEY THINKING? This shows exactly what's wrong with the film- and series-making industry nowadays. They think no one will want to watch their shows unless they shoehorn nakedness in somewhere. Actually, nothing is more likely to make me avoid a film or series like the plague.

Next up is Charlotte's hairstyles. Take a look at that eyesore of a DVD cover. Charlotte's hair is loose and hanging down her back. Wrong. Think of P&P. How many times did Jane or Elizabeth wear their hair loose in public? That's right: never. How many times does Charlotte wear her hair like that? Goodness knows. But it happens far too often.

Apparently there are a pair of sinister siblings living in a gloomy house. Yet more proof that this isn't a Jane Austen adaptation. Even in Northanger Abbey, her parody of Gothic novels, she never seriously used Gothic themes and characters. This subplot would make sense in a Brontë adaptation. But in Jane Austen?! 😒

Why did the series-makers say this is based on an Austen novel? By all means, make a series riddled with historical inaccuracies and naked men. Throw an entire city of sinister people and gloomy houses if you feel like it. But don't call it Sanditon. Don't associate with Jane Austen. Present it as an original story that isn't meant to be accurate. Then maybe its flaws would be forgiveable.

I can say with certainty that this isn't a series I'm eager to watch. The only reason I'll ever suffer through it is if I want something to laugh at.

Rating: 1/10.

Review: The Untamed

A month ago there were only two series I would rate 10/10: Cranford and Bleak House. This series has just joined them.

The Untamed (陈情令/Chén Qíng Lìng) is a 2019 Chinese series, loosely based on the novel Mo Dao Zu Shi by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu. The most glaringly obvious difference is that the series doesn't adapt the romance between the two main characters. I've never read the novel or seen its other adaptations, so I don't know what other differences there are. (Plenty, according to other people's comments.)

I didn't recognise any of the actors, so on to the plot.

Unfortunately the first episode is terribly confusing. I couldn't understand anything that was happening. My thoughts were mostly variations of "Who is this?" or "What are they doing?". All I knew for certain was that a monster was terrorising a family, a group of cultivators (a word I didn't understand then) were trying to get rid of it, and someone had died and come back to life. I almost gave up on the series before it had properly started.

The second episode is just as confusing, I'm sorry to say. But in its final minutes we go back in time to what happened before the series starts. It's one of the longest flashbacks ever; it lasts until episode thirty-three. Luckily it's when the story both starts making sense and becomes interesting. (Why, why did they not start with the sixteen-years-ago storyline, and then jump forward to where the first episode began?) Come to think of it, you could probably start watching the series with episode three then go back and watch the first two after episode thirty-three.

Anyway, on to the plot. Wei Wuxian arrives in Cloud Recesses, where he meets Lan Wangji. Their relationship gets off to a bad start of the "fighting on the rooftop because Wei Wuxian broke the rules" kind. But before long they're very close friends. The series might not have been able to adapt their romance, but it has plenty of subtext.

Wei Wuxian

Lan Wangji

Naturally things go horribly wrong. First a war breaks out, then Wei Wuxian tries to protect innocent civilians and gets vilified for it, then he commits suicide after his friends and his sister are killed. Sixteen years later he's brought back from the dead and meets Lan Wangji again. Much trouble, adorableness, scheming, and implausible fight scenes ensue. And of course there's plenty of heartbreak.

This is one of those shows that's an emotional rollercoaster. It's even worse than Cranford because it includes horror and violence as well as tragedy. When you watch an episode you never know what the next scene will be. Comical? Tragic? Nightmarish? Tragic and nightmarish? Episode thirty-three in particular is hard to watch 😭 Wei Wuxian's descent into despair gives me chills. Especially the way he swings between laughing and crying as he watches the carnage the Yin Tiger Amulet caused.

If you can get through the bewildering first episodes, and don't mind frequent violence, gore, and unconvincing special effects, you'll probably enjoy this series. I certainly did 😄

Is it available online?: Yes, on YouTube with English subtitles. Pretty bad subtitles, but it'll give you the general idea.

Rating: 10/10.

Review: Anne With An E

This isn't an adaptation. It's butchery.

I was cautiously interested when I heard a new version of Anne of Green Gables was being made. I knew it would never compare to the brilliant 1985 film, but I thought it might be good enough. Then I read more about it, and other people's reactions to it. I was horrified. Surely it couldn't be as bad as that! Oh yes it could. It's worse.

What better title card for Anne of Green Gables than a stick with writing on it? To say nothing of the unexpectedly creepy credits.

I hesitate to say this is based on Anne of Green Gables, because it isn't. Someone took the names and setting of the book and attached them to characters L. M. Montgomery was too good a writer to invent.

I didn't recognise any of the actors. This series has not made me eager to seek out their other performances.

Episode one starts with... some guy in (what I mistook for) a cowboy hat galloping across a beach? Huh? I paused the video and double-checked to make sure I wasn't watching a Western by mistake. Then the scene randomly cuts to the opening credits, which only need eerie music to make them perfect for a horror show. Played over them is a song that's better fitted to a series about country music than something supposedly based on Anne of Green Gables.

Marilla and Matthew are nothing like their book counterparts. Marilla's personality bears a striking resemblance to Aunt Ruth's in Emily of New Moon. Matthew doesn't have a personality at all. And Anne is the worst of the lot. Instead of the cheerful, imaginative, occasionally hot-tempered girl who gained her author worldwide popularity, this "Anne" is your typical modern emo teen who whines about everything. She's as much like Anne Shirley as I'm like Queen Victoria.

In the book Matthew and Anne's first meeting is funny and heartwarming. She's so excited to meet him and she talks endlessly. He's terrified of approaching her, bewildered by her being there at all, but warms up to her after a while. Here Matthew just looks mildly surprised, and Anne immediately goes all "woe is me! I'm already a disappointment to you!". I'd expect that sort of whinging from one of Avonlea's much-maligned Pyes, not from Anne.

Rachel Lynde is yet another disappointment. This series does the impossible and makes her boring. How? It takes real talent to turn one of Avonlea's most memorable residents into a non-entity who says a few lines and leaves no impression. The scriptwriter and director are so unbelievably bad at their jobs that I'm honestly in awe.

Someone decided L. M. Montgomery's excellent prose wasn't good enough for them. So they wrote new dialogue. The effect is like William McGonagall rewriting Shakespeare's sonnets. Anne's speech at the breakfast table ("howling wilderness"! "I'm glad it's a pretty morning"! 😆) had me in stitches. All right, so Anne is supposed to have her moments of melodrama. But the book, and a good actress (read: Megan Follows), can make her melodrama endearing rather than ridiculous. Anne's actress here plays all her scenes completely straight, and elevates them from "bad" to "amazingly, pricelessly bad".

I considered abandoning the series in the middle of the first episode. But I wanted to see how the series portrayed Gilbert. So I skipped ahead to the second episode and fast-forwarded in search of Gilbert -- or the caricature that bore his name.

Another absurdity is the episode titles. Literary references work well as titles, provided they fit the themes of the story using them as a title. A Jane Eyre quote would be a good title for a Gothic story, but for an Anne of Green Gables episode?

What on earth is happening five minutes into episode two? Some random strangers appear (I assume they were introduced in the second half of episode one, but who knows) and a child almost chokes to death. It took me ages to connect this with the incident of Diana's sister having croup. That happens quite far into the book, after Anne accidentally set Diana drunk, and it resolves the "forbidden from seeing Diana" subplot. It has no business being placed near the start of an adaptation. As for Diana, it goes without saying that this version of her is nothing like the book's. I didn't know she was Diana until I realised what was happening.

A boy and his dying father appear shortly after this. I had no idea who they were and thought they must be inventions of the series-makers. No, apparently the boy is Gilbert. He has all the personality of a cardboard box and -- most damning of all -- he doesn't have book!Gilbert's dramatic first appearance. I suppose the director thought Anne breaking a slate over Gilbert's head was "too violent" and "setting a bad example" or some similar tripe.

Well, now that I know what Gilbert's like, I've had more than enough of this series. I haven't watched a full episode and I hope never to see it again.

Is it available online?: Who cares?

Rating: 0/10.