(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of Mulan (2020)

When will Disney learn to stop making unnecessary remakes?

Mulan is the latest in Disney's sorry saga of so-called remakes. It pretends to be based on the 1998 animated film of the same name. At the same time it also pretends to be more accurate to the original story of Mulan. It fails at both, and also at being a good remake of any sort.

I haven't watched the film, but I saw the trailer and read its TVTropes page. From what I've seen I have no intention of ever watching the film.

Some of the best things about the original Mulan were its music and its villain. The remake isn't a musical and it completely changed the villain. When I read the plot summary I was left wondering if this was actually meant to be a version of Mulan at all. Why didn't the director just change the names and make a completely new film?

Remakes in general are on very shaky ground. Stay too close to the original film and they might as well never have been made. Stray too far from it and they stop being the same story at all. And when the original film was so good that a remake can't possibly improve on it, why waste all that time and money?

Disney remakes are notoriously terrible. Maleficent, although a badly-flawed film, is somewhat pardonable because it at least offered a completely different take on the original Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella and The Lion King... the best I can say for them is that they're just mediocre. The remake of Beauty and the Beast was unbearably awful. So is Mulan. And judging by Disney's current obsession with endless remakes, they'll make many, many more unbearably awful films 😒

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of War and Peace

Now that I have so much time on my hands I'm trying to read this infamously long book. So far it's slooooow going. (You could say that I'm trying, but I'm finding it very trying. *dodges thrown vegetables*)

In spite of being one of the best-known novels ever written, virtually no one knows what War and Peace is about. I'm almost twenty chapters in and I don't know what it's about either. It's supposed to be set during Napoleon's ill-fated invasion of Russia. But the invasion itself hasn't actually started yet. Instead of a wartime epic we're treated to the dull and plodding saga of Pierre Bezukhov, the Rostovs, and Prince Andrei, with guest appearances from some of the least memorable characters I've ever seen. Nothing actually happens in this saga. It's just a collection of conversations and scenes that feel more like a slice of life than an epic novel.

I have to say, it's a struggle to stay interested. It's even more of a struggle to keep track of who's who, who's related to whom, and who has more than one name. (Unfortunately almost everyone has more than one name.)

I'm tempted to either skip ahead to find where the war itself begins, or watch one of the more faithful adaptations and see if it can make the story interesting.

Will I finish the book? Will it become one of the few novels I abandoned in despair? Is it even worth the effort? I'll review it if I do manage to finish it -- something that looks increasingly unlikely. Until then, I'll try to get through a few more chapters.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of The Magnificent Century

After several years of thinking "I want to watch this" and promptly forgetting all about it, I've finally managed to start this series.

The Magnificent Century is a Turkish historical fiction series based on the life of Hürrem, wife of Suleiman the Magnificent. This is the first time I've ever watched a Turkish drama. The first thing that struck me was how long the episodes are. Episode one alone is over one hour and forty minutes. I've seen films that aren't that long. Somehow I suspect it will take me ages to finish the series.

To be honest, I've never given much thought to Turkish history. What I knew about it before this series could be boiled down to three things: the Turks fought Dracula (the historical figure, not the fictional vampire named after him); whoever got the throne murdered all his brothers; and Turkey has a habit of committing genocide and lying about it. Even if the series isn't historically accurate, it still taught me about the sultanate of women and the existence of people I'd never heard of before.

Even if the story is sometimes predictable, the series is worth watching for the costumes alone. (Fun fact: I only learnt it existed by seeing pictures of the costumes on Pinterest and Tumblr.)

I've only watched the first episode, and I can already tell what my biggest problem will be with the story. Alexandra, later renamed Hürrem, was kidnapped from her home, taken to a foreign country, and made one of Suleiman's concubines against her will. It looks ominously like the series is going to portray their relationship as some grand romance. No, no, no. Setting aside whatever happened in real life, the series' version of events is disturbingly reminiscent of Stockholm syndrome.

So far I'm ambivalent towards this series. It's not utterly atrocious, but I doubt it will ever be one of my favourites. I'll write a longer review when (if) I finish it.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of The Untamed: The Living Dead

Remember when I said I'd post this review before Sunday? Yeah, obviously that didn't happen.

The Living Dead is a sequel/spin-off of The Untamed. It was released last Thursday. Some kind soul uploaded it on YouTube with English subtitles, allowing me to watch (and understand) it without the bother of downloading it.

Apparently the film takes place several years after the series ended. The only characters from the series are Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui; all the others are new ones. (Unless you count a certain very short cameo.) This review is a list of things I thought while watching it.

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD!

• I'm not impressed with the opening scene. What on earth is wrong with that man? Who goes out late at night when they know there are ghosts around?

• Can't say I like the credits. Where's the Untamed theme music? Honestly, I'd settle for any theme music. That wailing-child thing is more grating than scary. At least the animated parts look cool.

• I like the call-back to The Untamed's first scenes, with the empty street, leaves blowing around, and people chanting about spirits.

• Why is Wen Ning in chains again?

• Yet again people are running away from Wen Ning in terror :(

• Now Wen Ning can use his chains as weapons. And they apparently have a mind of their own, and are red-hot. (The moving around part could be telekinesis, but the heat? I spent several minutes trying to figure out how they could look like they've just been put in a fire when it's late at night and there's no fire nearby.) Sure would have been useful if he had that power in the main series. Jin Guangshan wouldn't have known what hit him.

• Lan Sizhui is as adorable as ever! I love his first conversation with Wen Ning :D (Though they're a lot more distant towards each other than I expected. What happened to their closeness at the end of the series?) Yay, a Wei Wuxian reference!

• Inquiry sounds different :( I prefer the series' rendition. Sizhui teleporting(?) into a corpse's mind is a cool idea, but it never happened in the series.

• The mysterious death of the Xiao family sounds awfully like the massacre of the Chang clan. Xue Yang? Is that you?

• Xiao Qing deserved so much better :'( (Every time she's called "A-Qing" I think of the other A-Qing. Further emphasizes the similarities between this film and Xue Yang's story.)

• Again all the trouble is caused by the Yin Iron! On the one hand I like the call-back to the series, but on the other... that thing's caused so much chaos already. Couldn't they have found a more original idea?

• Wasn't Zhou Zi Shu already undead? How the dickens did cutting his throat kill him? And yet again we have a villain trying to resurrect a loved one they killed. Zhou Zi Shu might as well be called Xue Yang 2.0. Except I like Xue Yang more. He was utterly insane, but at least his craziness wasn't a repeat of an earlier plot.

• ...I take back almost everything in that last paragraph. Just reached the plot twist, and I have one thing to say. WHAT THE HELL?????!!!!! 😮

• The music is much too modern. Electric guitars in a fantasy film? Where's the beautiful (and actually fitting for the genre) music from the series?

• WHERE IS LAN WANGJI????? I think he was only mentioned once in the entire film. We got a Wei Wuxian cameo but not a Lan Wangji one?

• The final scene has some of the least convincing CGI I've ever seen 😒

I like this film, but it's not quite what I expected. The main problem is how short it is, and how rushed the plot is as a result. When I rewatch it I might write a longer review.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of Sanditon (2019)

Jane Austen adaptations are a very mixed bag. On the one hand you get classics like the 1995 versions of Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice. On the other you get abominations like Pride and Prejudice (2005). Take a wild guess which category this one falls into.

"Jane Austen's"? Really? "Brought to life"? Really?

Sanditon is a miniseries named after an unfinished Jane Austen novel. I've never read the published version of the novel, or any of the attempts other authors have made to complete it. To be honest I haven't watched the series yet either. (I'm not a fan of watching things while they're still airing.) But it's clear from simply reading about this series and looking at GIFs and stills from it that it isn't a Jane Austen adaptation.

I didn't even know it was being made until I read a newspaper boasting about how (paraphrased) "this Austen adaptation replaces dull conversations with nudity". I did a double take. Surely I'd misread that. Unfortunately I hadn't. So I googled the series, hoping the article was lying to attract viewers. It wasn't.

There are so many things wrong with this series that I don't know where to begin. Might as well start with the nudity. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WERE THEY THINKING? This shows exactly what's wrong with the film- and series-making industry nowadays. They think no one will want to watch their shows unless they shoehorn nakedness in somewhere. Actually, nothing is more likely to make me avoid a film or series like the plague.

Next up is Charlotte's hairstyles. Take a look at that eyesore of a DVD cover. Charlotte's hair is loose and hanging down her back. Wrong. Think of P&P. How many times did Jane or Elizabeth wear their hair loose in public? That's right: never. How many times does Charlotte wear her hair like that? Goodness knows. But it happens far too often.

Apparently there are a pair of sinister siblings living in a gloomy house. Yet more proof that this isn't a Jane Austen adaptation. Even in Northanger Abbey, her parody of Gothic novels, she never seriously used Gothic themes and characters. This subplot would make sense in a Brontë adaptation. But in Jane Austen?! 😒

Why did the series-makers say this is based on an Austen novel? By all means, make a series riddled with historical inaccuracies and naked men. Throw an entire city of sinister people and gloomy houses if you feel like it. But don't call it Sanditon. Don't associate with Jane Austen. Present it as an original story that isn't meant to be accurate. Then maybe its flaws would be forgiveable.

I can say with certainty that this isn't a series I'm eager to watch. The only reason I'll ever suffer through it is if I want something to laugh at.

Rating: 1/10.

(Not Really a) Review: First Impressions of The Crown

For today's review I'm going to try something new. Instead of reviewing a whole series, I'll give my first impressions of The Crown's first two episodes.

This week I finally got around to watching The Crown, a docudrama series about Queen Elizabeth II. It took me ages to watch it because frankly, I'm generally not interested in series set after 1900. Besides, making biopics of living people is pretty weird. (I have to wonder what the royal family think of the series!) When I started it, I didn't expect much. I was surprised, pleasantly and unpleasantly.

Instead of a proper review, this is just going to be a list of everything I liked or didn't like, in something approaching chronological order.

• Of all the ways I expected this series to start, "the king coughing up blood" was not among them 😮

• My thoughts when King George was talking to Philip: "One of those men in the background looks sort of familiar. ...Wait. Is that-- Willoughby!" Similarly, my reaction to Queen Mary was an excited squeal of "Miss Deborah!". Queen Mary's personality has some resemblances to Miss Deborah's, too. I half-expected her to say "The uproar is temporary" or "Speculation is the enemy of calm" 😄

• While we're on the subject of my reactions to actors, I laughed at the idea of the Eleventh Doctor marrying Little Dorrit 😆 And I knew I'd seen King George somewhere before, but I couldn't think where. Then I saw the credits, and it struck me. "Moriarty? Moriarty?"

• Winston Churchill needs to be taken down a peg or twenty. Insulting Philip's mother at the wedding? Making sure his own entrance at the wedding is as conspicuous as possible? *facepalm*

• ...Is there any period drama actor who isn't in this series?

• The series' creators really need to learn that it's possible to make a compelling drama without crudity or nudity. I was not expecting any of that 😠

• Princess Margaret and Townsend are easily my least favourite characters in the series. I wish they hadn't been included in it. I fastforward their scenes to get to the actually interesting parts.

• Why do they hunt those poor birds? 😟 That's something I've never liked in period dramas.

• The scene of Princess Elizabeth and Prince Philip meeting an elephant is awesome and terrifying! I have to wonder if it ever really happened, though.

• Ouch, ouch, ouch 😭 I wasn't expecting King George's death to be so heartbreaking 😭

• I remember reading that it's royal protocol to always bring black clothes on trips in case someone dies. So why did someone forget to pack a black dress for Queen Elizabeth? Was it not protocol at the time, or is the series taking dramatic license?

• Queen Mary bowing to Queen Elizabeth is honestly the most eerie, tragic thing I've seen for a looooong time 😢

Overall I think the good outweighs the bad in this series. So far, at least. When I finish watching series one I might write a proper review of it. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Is it available online?: It's originally a Netflix series, so I'm pretty sure it's available there.

Rating: 7/10.